God's Joke

Vivian's--My story about my feelings about my suicidal depression in my forties as a single mother of three children., and my journey to happiness. As a part of my Master's degree in counseling studies, instead of a college term paper, I painted pictures of the depression which are included in this book. They are a graphic and beautiful expression of a severe depression. As a child, my mother was away teaching, while my grandmother raised me and my brother who was two years older than me and my best friend. My mother came home at last with a new husband, a wrinkled old man, twenty-four years older than her. He knew nothing about raising children and he was jealous of my brother. Bob yelled at my brother in periodic rages that lasted three days. We were terrified. I hated Bob. To escape, my mother helped me get into the University of California at Berkeley when I was fifteen years old. Education was important to our family. At age sixteen, suddenly my hair started falling out and I became bald in front. I tell my story of wigs and looks. I wanted support from my mother when I stooped wearing wigs. She begged me to wear them. I was hurt. I had issues with my mother putting her husbands before her children as I wanted her love and attention so much. Now my childhood pain is forgotten and I am at peace with my mother after writing a book about her and her art, "Ofa Irvine Jallu, Artist." This book goes on to cover my jobs, weird things, money, art, finding my adopted children's birth parents, religion, cancer, psychotherapy. I was a therapy junkie. My jobs--measuring x-rays of eggs, a topless dancer, a lab technician, welfare worker, foster home worker, real estate, taking care of old people. Weird things--Werner Erhard's est training, nudist camp visit, humiliation of asking for a break from paying a membership fee in a Jewish Temple, religion--told I was going to Hell because I was not save like my roving preacher uncle Chuck. In this book I incorporate ideas from the Blu Zone studies of long lived people all over the world. Natural movement, plant based diet, small portions, glass of wine, a sense of purpose, relieve stress, faith based community, family, surround yourself with people with similar ideals. The end is forgiveness and making peace with your parents, family, hurts, and yourself. God's Joke? You can laugh together with God over the joke your life turned out to be.