Five Year Old Death

A look into "Five Year Old Death" It is what I see in my nights of restless sleep that torment me in my waking hours. I search for what I will never find and find what will only drive me into hell a little deeper every day. I have always been just me and that has been fine and I love the heart that I have been blessed with even through a life that I could take or leave without any turns looking back. Does this mean I do not love my family or children? Does this mean that I really want to die in my sleep like I beg every night before I once again fall into my own hell of night tremors? This is something I ask myself every single breathing day that I am made to exist on earth I love my children but maybe just maybe they would be better off without a mother who cries in her sleep for no reason that they could ever understand or that I would even want to tell them. I am alone in the crowded room that everyone talks about and that may be okay for some but I was meant to love and cherish those who walk in my life. I am lost in the dark and followed by the shadows that are to forever haunt me with nowhere to run but back within myself. I cry a million unseen tears that I hide with a pretty smile upon my face that I wish to let run free and to be seen by just one person that will maybe understand me and understand what I am forever left to feel. I am not mentally ill by any chemical imbalance I am however mentally ill by the life that I have been given and at the end of the day after I have tried to make everyone else's life pretty with a pink ribbon, I am left to wonder; "Did they see me"?